Kissing the Frog

“Dear Edie
What would you do in this case…Here is the scenario:
You went out with this guy for over a year and two months and you thought…”Wow, this is it” You saw his flaws (after all nobody’s perfect) and accepted him just the way he was. You were happy. Yes you had your problems, but you seemed to have worked them out and then…POW!!! Out of left field, he says those horrendous four little words… “We Need To TALK”!!! AHHHH! Ladies and Gentleman, nothing good can EVER POSSIBLY come after that! So he breaks up with you, and you, are devastated and want to die, but somehow, you managed to keep your dignity and walked out without looking back. But you didn’t quite get over him.In fact, you are not over him at all AND YOU WANT HIM BACK. You think about him constantly, you dream about him and wake up crying when you realize that it was just a dream. Everything reminds you of him and the more you try to free your heart, the more stubborn your heart gets, yet, you are strong enough never to call. Then, finally, you give up and realize that God has a plan for you and say…”Ok, Lord, I trust you, If you don’t think he’s for me, then I’ll go with it, but if he is supposed to be with me, would you please bring him back? If he’s not, please help me get over him and never get him close to my heart again” Then, you say to yourself ” I am not gonna date ‘til a year after I broke up with him, that way I’ll be sure I’m over him” But then, two days later, HE CALLS!He tells you that he misses you terribly and that he thought about you every day! And get this HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER AGAIN AND TAKE YOU OUT ON A DATE… get acquainted again and take baby steps. What is one to do? IS THIS AN ANSWERED PRAYER? How to know for sure? But here is the real question: Should you give him a second chance to be a Prince? What do you think? Yes/No … Maybe/If … If and only if …Let me know.
– Willing to kiss the Froggy twice”

(This is not Salsa-dancing related, but like I said above, I’ll listen and help with ANYTHING our readers are legitamately concerned with… )

Dear Willing to kiss the Froggy twice,
Go ahead and go on the second date – but wait a few weeks first. FORCE YOURSELF TO BE AWAY FROM EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE. This is like “pruning” the relationship. You both have dead flowers you need to get rid of so you can both grow stronger – first separately, then as one. You need to find what makes “you” happy BESIDES HIM for a while. He needs to do the same. Let me explain.

I’m an extreme codependent, and through reading what seems like a zillion books, have become an expert at what’s wrong with ME. Bottom line is that we really need an outsider to help us “see the light”. You have a very good question.

Most men who want complete and utter commitment “like” taking care of a woman. They want her to depend on him for EVERYTHING – happiness, love, desire, money, security, sex, whatever. This is an excellent form of control on the man’s part, and makes for an outstanding relationship – ONLY IF that’s what both parties realize that this is the way they are, what they’re into, and are perfectly comfortable with it. You’ll find this particularly common in the traditional “old school” Latin community.

It appears that you are not going out with type of guy. You were probably attracted to his strength, independence, AND FREEDOM – he’s obviously not the controlling type. You want to be free but loved, you want your cake and eat it too. You chose him because he lets you have your freedom AND have a relationship with him at the same time. To get this man back in your life TO STAY, you have to take a completely “different” approach.

If it’s been over a year already, and if he’s REALLY ready to take your relationship to the next step (marriage), then he’ll ask you. He probably “wants” to, but deep in his heart, he may think he cannot live up to your expectations because of the responsibility involved, his weaknesses, faults, hidden desires for other women, freedom, etc. He’s confused.

The bottom line is that he is not ready for a serious commitment. He’s scared to death. He really doesn’t know EXACTLY what he wants yet. I don’t blame him. When a man is in love, “responsibility for two” starts entering his mind. He’ll seek the easiest way out if he truly believes in his heart he can’t support you or give you everything you need/want/desire… Think about it. Just “dating” you is safe – he can leave whenever he wants to. Completely “committing” to you is a WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY… he can’t really just kiss you goodnight and go home – he’s stuck there…

The reason why most people break up relationships is because of greener pastures. If that was the case (you nor I will never know…) thank God he at least had the decency to break things off before cheating on you.

If he wants to break up – let him. There’s nothing worse than putting your partner in a cage. This is the kind of man that also needs to have a certain amount of freedom (no wonder you two were together for so long and not completely committed to each other yet – you both are EXACTLY ALIKE)

Based on your letter, you’ve identified a big portion of your “self” with him, and have depended too much on him for your own completion and/or happiness. Let him go. Start doing an activity that you enjoy that doesn’t involve a relationship with a single other “human being”. Do something that makes you happy (like dancing with a million different men – that’ll keep ANYBODY’s mind off a single man for a while).

In your situation, it appears that neither of you feel “complete” or “happy” without each other’s company. Through the pruning stages, find other things that make you laugh, smile, and cry. If he wants you back, and you still want him, go for it – but don’t be so easy to be “gotten back”. Take the pressure OFF him by showing him in one form or another that “he” is not your sole source of happiness – you’ll be fine with or without him.

Don’t put “stipulations” on him or the relationship when he asks you back. But, don’t be so “available” all the time either. He’s nervous right now because your happiness is depending on him too much. He’s also afraid that he’s the same way – his mind doesn’t want that, but because he asked you back, his heart won.

To relieve his STRESS, be your own woman. Keep busy. Work on yourself. Stand on your own two feet. Go treat yourself to a nice warm bath, do your nails, look beautiful CONSTANTLY, take martial arts, dance, or acting classes and your self-esteem and confidence is sure to improve – without his help. You don’t realize what a weight off his shoulders that will be… he will feel more “free” and take comfort in the fact that even though you are an independent woman, and have found your happiness without him, your free will to “choose” to be with him will do incredible things for his ego. There is nothing more delicate, fragile, and powerful than a man’s ego. If you want to keep him, you’ll nurture it, respect it, and treasure it like solid gold.

Lastly, you know, as well as I do, that the ONLY sure-bet for ultimate happiness is with God Himself. When we depend on others for our happiness and completion, we’ll certainly, eventually become disappointed – because as you already know, NOBODY’S perfect.

Let me know how it went.

Happy Dancing!
– Edie, The Salsa FREAK!!
Edie The Salsa FREAK!! Website