Why is it that Guys in the Salsa Scene Just Don’t Seem to be “Interested” in Dating?
By Edie, The Salsa FREAK!!
“Dear Edie,
I’m a woman, and go out dancing all the time. I meet a lot of great people (men) but it’s been several months now, and not a single one of them has asked me out… I’m not that bad looking, have even been told that I’m a “looker”, and “outside” the Salsa scene I have no problem dating men. But I’m finding that in the Salsa scene, all these great guys want to do is…”DANCE”. This strikes me as COMPLETELY ODD. As a woman, I’m not used to… well, being ignored.
I’ve NEVER had a problem attracting men. Ever.
It seems like these great dancers get to the clubs, dance with all the girls… THEN THEY LEAVE!! Even if I approach them and show interest… they are OUT THE DOOR.
I had a couple “one night stands”, but I want something more meaningful – something that will last. It would be great if the man of my dreams would be an amazing dancer as well. I’m starting to question myself, but I know for a FACT there is nothing wrong with me! I look pretty hot out there, so what’s up with THESE SALSA GUYS??
– Frustrated Salsera.
Dear Frustrated Salsera,
Well girlfriend, you’ve discovered something that took me twenty years to finally figure out.
WELCOME TO THE TRUE COLORS OF THE SALSA SCENE.
Thank God you asked this question. I’ve been dying to answer it!
OK Let’s get this started sister!
Your frustration could be one of three challenges:
- You are so beautiful you intimidate men.
- You are too good of a dancer, or instructor, so you intimidate men.
- The guys you are interested in may have over time realized that they no longer want to
“SH_ _ I *&^T where they eat”. Figuratively speaking.
Instead of using Salsa to meet “The Man of Your Dreams”, you may want to use Salsa as your “One Night Stand when you need it”, and/or aerobics workout. Look elsewhere to associate with men who won’t be meeting “new, younger, faster, better models” every week and end up ignoring you, breaking up with you, or worse, physically abusing you in the end.
Aaaaahhhhhhh, those AWESOME male Salseros.
Salseros “have, are, and always will” experience “new, younger, faster, better models” every week – especially the better these men get with their leads, the more women will be attracted to them. They will eventually have free access to the “pick of the crop” – no matter how unattractive (physically) they may be. I’ve known men who scare women with their looks during the day, but have trails of Salseras at their feet at the Salsa night clubs. This is why these guys stay permanently in the Salsa scene. This is one of the few places where they are “Alpha Male Chick Magnets” – because of their phenomenal, World Class leading skills.
Men are basically “out of luck” as far as finding the “woman of their dreams” at a club as well. Even if they do, there are so many women chasing them, that being “true to only one” is ONE IN A MILLION. The temptation is just too great out there. Trust me, I’ve searched 63 different countries trying to find “The One” who would be true, and there is not a single man out there that can withstand the female pressure after they become great dancers. None. I’ve looked. These gals don’t even care if the men are MARRIED. They just want to be “with” that incredible dancer for one night – married or not.
“The One” is not in the Salsa scene. Many people are beginning to realize this. There are just too many problems with relationships in the Salsa scene. They seem to work at first, then when you dance with better and better people, jealousy starts, possessiveness commences, and then after a while, deep in your mind, it will come to having to choose one or the other. “Salsa” or “him/her”.
As a World Renowned Instructor, I intimidated EVERYONE I danced with. They would tell me that I was too good for most men to handle on the dance floor… or … that I always looked better with the next guy, and the next, and the next, etc. I could never keep a lasting relationship.
It frustrated me, because I “knew” I was the committed type. I “knew” I could make a man happy. I cook, clean, do laundry, iron, keep the house spotless…. but that didn’t seem to matter to these guys that saw me dance. In the beginning a relationship would work, but after a while, the way I danced was just too much for men who were interested in me. There was too much pressure for THEM to match or watch me. It became a battle at times. “Who was better than Who” – that’s what triggered a massive breakup at one point. As an addicted Salsa dancer, much less as an Instructor, it was literally IMPOSSIBLE to keep a man true to me.
After two failed marriages, I’ve chosen only to teach Salsa during the day, and spend my evenings and weekends at home with my wonderful and loving husband, Nick. I no longer social dance anymore; because my husband doesn’t dance. Nick has ZERO interest in ANY FORM of dance. He never had ANY interest what so ever in all his life. He is “perfectly content” with that fact, and very confident with himself. I have asked him if he wanted to learn, but have never forced anything upon him – ever. I love and adore him just the way he is, dancer or not. (and yes, I cook, clean, iron, do laundry, and am the loving wife I ALWAYS wanted to be now!!)
I’ve realized that keeping my personal life out of the social dance scene was the ONLY way I could have a committed, true, and permanent relationship. My husband Nick is NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST intimidated by me, and is TRULY the Alpha Male I used to find only in the Salsa scenes throughout the world. It used to seem like the Salsa scene was the only place I could find Alpha Males because I wasn t anywhere else BUT dancing all the time!
Now, I get my aerobic workouts [Salsa dancing] with my students during the day, and I am completely and totally satisfied with that. Hence, I ve come to realize that, my needing my Salsa FIX is the reason my students have become some of the best dancers around. I have now purposely “created” awesome dancers (students) that I work with and train during the day. I really work my students hard (they’ve told me this – and they STILL keep asking for more lessons!), and I train them to become the BEST- FOR COMPLETELY SELFISH REASONS.
Seriously, I believe the reason why I REALLY and TRULY want my students to get good FAST… is so I can get my SALSA FIX SOONER!!! I “create” and hence surround myself with Alpha Male, World Class Leaders with my male students, and fast, balanced, tight, and light World Class Follows with my female students.
Now I get my Salsa “Fix” during the day when I teach, and still get to have my loving committed relationship with my incredible husband at night and on weekends!
Life could NOT get ANY better than this. .
So my dear “Frustrated Salsera”, it took me twenty years to discover this FACT. Many will refuse to believe me. They haven’t been around as long as I have. .
If you don’t believe me, eventually, over time, you “will” figure it out within your own life circumstances.
But one thing is for sure, and you HAVE to believe me on this one: You “will” find the man of your dreams, because there is nothing more powerful than “Feminine Energy”. Where there is a “will”, there is a “way”.
HAPPY DANCING!!
– Edie, The Salsa FREAK!!
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Edie, The Salsa FREAK!! is one of the most recognized and respected Salsa Instructor / Performers in the world. In the past twenty years, she has traveled to 63 countries teaching the world to dance, and has been the first American to teach in 18 of those countries. She now lives in the high mountains of beautiful Colorado with her wonderful husband, Nick. You may contact her at Edie The Salsa FREAK!! Website
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Comments:
Edie,
Your article about how dancers no longer date within the salsa community caused an amusing stir here in Brisbane, Australia. You inspired a lot of Facebook discussions about relationships in dancing. It’s very incestuous here. I haven’t read the article in a while but from what I remember there was only one thing that I felt you left out (or didn’t address fully): when it comes to cheating, the girls are _just_ as bad as the guys. Last year I was cheated on by 3 different girls, one after the other – all in the dance scene. I vowed never to date a dancer again JQ
My experience dating dancers is, it’s great at first. But eventually (I’ve heard this 3 times in a row from 3 dancers I was dating in a row) that she decided she didn’t want me to sit with her at the dance or dance more than 2 or three dances with her because she gets asked to dance less by other men when the men think she’s in a relationship with me. Seems they’re all interested in dancing with as many men as possible and that having their boyfriend sitting and dancing a lot with them cramps their style. That’s a pretty sh***y thing to do to the one you’re supposed to be in a relationship with. Also, I found the dance community is full of too much drama, gossip, rumors and innuendo. Social dancing is more like a high school dance. No adults in the room. I quit dancing, even though I loved it. It’s virtually impossible to be in a successful relationship. And dancing but dating a non- dancer has a boatload of problems too. If you want to remain single, be a dancer. If you want a normal, healthy relationship, stay away from dancing. While there may be exceptions, most dancer- dancer relationships fail. Then you have the awful experience of have to see your ex at the dances you go to.
Yes. David you are so correct. Why did we not get this advice so many years ago? I started in 1995 because I was single, lonely which I was sort of ok with knowing sooner or later someone would come my way, and just needed something to do other then sit home watching tv. I did not feel like hanging out at a martial art studio like I did in my teens so I took up ballroom dancing. Wasn’t to long before I discovered being a young male dancer in a world of lonely wealthy old ladies was equal to being a piece of meat in a lion cage. It was a few steps away from prostitution, and I saw guys I knew that were teaching being paid escourts.
I remember my couch in Miami saying professional dance couples, even if they may not be romantically involved, is as much work and has as much heart break as if they was romantic ones. At the time I didn’t understand it completely but it was not very long after that I understood what she meant.
I just glad I am out of the scene at least as far as knowing a lot of people now. I just want to go out with my wife and if asked where I learned to dance I can say I used to take lessons in my younger years. Then I will just disappear thanking them for the compliment.
Edie it been a long time (2000) since I saw you in Miami at the IHSC where I attended and was helping Jami Josephson . I had a great lesson with you there. I found this interesting but can relate some what as back then I was single no relationship and dance was my girlfriend. I taught for a couple years and then started disappearing from the scene because I was getting tired and if I managed to get a date well dancing became something they wanted to do and drink which wasnt what I wanted. After I met a nice lady from the phillippines who just moved to the states and took her out it seemed she had confrontations in the ladies room with jealous ladies who was not happy she was hogging one of the few guys that showed up to dance. It was not a good place to take your date I found out. She didnt really know anything about dancing either. we managed to get married and I enrolled her at the dance studio in lessons which she wanted but dance parties were for students and I was instructing so I had to work not dance with her much. After the kids came, we didnt go dancing much and I stopped teaching. Now I picking it back up for cardio fitness and now we go out ocassionly at church functions where they have some dancing. I like doing it in the living room while kids are in school and she at work. At 58, I got to have a fun way to stay in shape
I have to agree with you that it nice to get your passion in but with smaller doses and kick back at home and have a family life. Some how dancing went from improving your social life to find love to becoming a nightmare. I always saw it like a love hate relationship, And I seen a lot of instructors end up divorced several times over. The ones still married seem to have a partner that dosnt dance or only does occassionally. One day the dance studio owner had me teach his soon to be wife and i said how come I teaching her and he said you never teach your lady how to dance trust me. Then it dawned on me all the couples I seen that argue during the lessons. Learned that the hard way. When I got my soon to be wife dance lessons in 2006 preparing for our wedding I appreciated the advice. I am so glad I took it and am going to concur with your article but it wonderful to see your doing ok and life worked out for you. I was just here at work on a slow day and pulled up a video on shines and decided out of the blue to see if Edie was still around and sure enough you still around. Now that my kids are teenagers and few remember me locally teaching the wife and I can go out and dance on our own without having to include others, or have jealous confrontations with people.
SSSSOOOOO GREAT to hear from you Glenn! Yes, it’s true. Dancing and marrying your partner (successfully, blissfully, and totally utterly still in love after 30 years) is next to impossible to find. There is however, a rare .01% that do make it. I personally have not seen this, but I’m sure that .01% is out there… someplace.
Yes, I FINALLY found the man of my dreams out here in Colorado back in 2010. He has never danced, doesn’t WANT to dance, can’t stand Salsa music… (LOL), and is the BEST guy a woman could EVER find!!! Yes, and it’s marriage #3 for me. Tried marrying my dance partner, that didn’t work. So… this one is a KEEPER!!
I still teach, but I rarely go dancing, and when I dance, it’s only after my group classes for about 10 minutes, then I go straight home to hubby!! He knows that teaching is my passion, and my profession now for over 30 years. It keeps me in-shape and happy. Happy to bring joy to others!
Thank you so much for writing Glenn!!
Miss you!
– Edie, The Salsa FREAK!!
Well I hope number three works out, I believe there is a saying about it and not three strikes your out. Third time a charm maybe. I thought about you and Jami over the years, and I guess we all happy doing good with our non dancer or serious dancing spouses. I cant complain my feet still hurt from 15 years ago when I stopped teaching at the birth of my second son and the guy I taught for retired and sold the studio. Other then a few church events with dancing included, I danced a cha cha with my wife at her school in a talent show where teachers and students were show casing their talent for some teacher student night I have no plans to compete or do dance routines other then what I make up on the spot.
I did like the vlog video I found of you talking about learning to dance for yourself (not her). That was so right on the money I shared it on my face book page. I saw it after I wrote you up above. Oh the stories that came to mind and let me tell the readers this:
I
don’t want to discourage any single ladies or men out there looking for love but the dance floor may not be the place and if you do find it there try going places together with your new love to places where you will not be chased down by people who know either of you. If they do find you, let the folks know your with someone for a special romantic evening.
Dance maybe your passion at this time, but it needs to be balanced out with other activities to keep that fire burning and if it get to hot you can get burned by it and that not worth it.
Also understand that your dance teacher is just that and do not read more into it. People have a thing for falling for the one that gives them attention and often it the dance teacher for some odd reason. Some relations have worked for a time, most do not at all. Do not be surprised if you find out they married. Jealous spouse may not be that far away. You do not want that kind of action. And you are not the first one or the last to have those kind of feelings. Even among students there is jealousy especially if your at a studio that likes to hug. I did not do that as a teacher but, as a student, the teachers at my studio were always hugging the students and being flirty. I saw this as a problem and as a teacher I made sure to avoid it. I saw it create problems with students, teacher, spouses, etc
Their is friendly and professional and then their is beyond friendly and lastly, teachers do get stalked so please do not put yourself in those positions.
Edie you keep doing what you doing and many happy years to come for you and hubby
Thank you so much, for that incredibly wise response.
You are so right, on so MANY different levels.
I’m so happy that you found the love of your life!
I hope we get to dance together one day in the future on some dance floor out there someplace!
And again, ssssooooo happy for you!
Edie, The Salsa FREAK!!
I loved your article! Nice to see you’re still writing and leading in the community. I think it has to do with expectations. One must examine one’s expectations for dancing. The fewer expectations, the less drama. I still go Social dancing and my expectation is to enjoy the music and the company and to try to make the followers smile and feel good about themselves. I think those are reasonable expectations. Hope you’re healthy and loving life! I miss you!